I have so many questions that will have to remain unanswered. This loss, the slow grind of acceptance, is terrible. You fill my thoughts and my heart hurts. I wish for a different outcome. Crazy thoughts shoot through my head, bouncing off memories of you. What if I’d called sooner? I should have sent more little positive messages. I should have just asked permission to visit. If I had, you’d still be here, fighting. Then I wouldn’t have this huge ache inside. I recognize these thoughts as foolish, and I brush them aside. I focus on better, positive thoughts. On healthier imaginings. The other part of me is happy you no longer suffer. I couldn’t stand to hear you talk about the pain. It made me feel helpless, the simple words I had to offer seeming insignificant and paltry. The ache is eased simply knowing your pain is forever gone. I smile thinking of you reunited with your daughter. The daughter we all wanted, who left too soon. I can see you both, beautiful and happy,. It was almost paralyzing. We stared each other down for a moment. I moved his hand upwards to my collar bone and rested it around my neck. My eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips and back again. “Would you like to fuck me?” His lips eased and began to recede from their tightened state and his eyes gave in to defeat. “Yes, I would like that,” he admitted. I picked up my bikini top. “Where do we go?” I asked with a sense of haste. I watched as his mind darted, as if unable to take in what was actually happening. I felt that too. It was almost as if I had left my body and was watching myself from above. “There isn’t anywhere,” His face started to resign to the fact. I turned and looked around us. He was right, there wasn’t. Then I had it. I grabbed hold of his hand and marched us to the back of the guest house. “What are you doing?” he whispered loudly. “Shhh! Just come on.” We approached the barn, then I diverted us to the small side room we had spoken in front of earlier that day..
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